Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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