While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
