She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
