So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
