someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
