those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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