Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
