Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
