Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
