craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
