I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
