my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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