atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
