Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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