Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize