No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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