Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
