I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
