Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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