3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize