How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Mom said you looked used
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
