She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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