does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
