We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
handjob tips. give me some.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
