ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
