I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
