I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
