i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
wow bdsm is so cute
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
