She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
