I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
