i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
