I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
