Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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