god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize