Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
