I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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