so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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