people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Randomize
