Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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