C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
