highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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