What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
