Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
