1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
