She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
