how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
