No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
