I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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