Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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