the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize