what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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