how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
