true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Farmville is her only friend.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
