She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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