I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
