Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't put those talents on a resume
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
