What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize