bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
