I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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