Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
