He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
