imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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