made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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